What is bothering me....
1) I have no money....every ounce of every paycheck goes to bills....I barely have money for gas to get to work. A 2nd job would be great but I'll admit it, I don't do well without time to myself, so a 2nd job and me really don't mix. I know, horrible to say but Im just being honest. I love LOVE my job right now but it sucks to drive to everyday when its 45 minutes away. I could get an apartment there but that would be using more money every month that I don't have. Right now I have way too many bills, and Im getting behind on way too many of my loans......so moral of the story, is my credit is fucked for life and I still have no money
2) I feel highly guilty about something right now even though Im not sure that I should feel this way. I feel like I took something away from someone that they'll never get back, and though I know it wasn't all ME, it feels like it right now, and it's been stressing me out lately HARDCORE. Im not easy to please I guess, if it's not one thing it's another, if it's not one way, the other way will probably hurt too....
3) Im highly unmotivated. I hate this feeling but I get this way a lot. Yes, Im a lazy piece of shit, Ill give that to you, I wish I could do more, but stress/emotions/depression, it's all there and never allows me to be me, 'nuff said.
4) Im anxious for certain things to happen right now. Certain things that I cant get in to on here, but I feel like they won't happen. Its hard to explain without getting in to detail and in order to tell you, id have to kill you, so Im just gunna leave it at that........................
5) I miss him. I miss him HORRIBLY. Hes 4 hours away and when I need him he can't be here and when he needs me, I can't be there for him.......It really sucks. This again goes along with having no money......
6) I want my own place. Im tired of living under someone's roof. Its easy, I admit, I love it here, but I feel sheltered and Im not a person who handles that very well. I just can't afford anything right now.
7) I need to get famous, fast. Its my dream obviously...i just continue to feel like im losing it, day by day...minute by minute. I feel it all always slipping away....what to do? I dont know, again I have no money to persue anything or move anywhere to start something
8) I want to go back to school...I really do...BUT there's too many things I WANT to do and hmm...you guessed it...no moneeyyyyyy. ugh.....
I guess they all kinda tie in with no money don't they? Anyway, thats all I wanted to vent about I think.
Im just highly stressed right now, and I probably shouldn't be...BUT i am.
End.Of.Story.
Megan
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Venting Session....be advised, you probably will not understand
NEWS: (Before I start to lash out on a venting session)
Please go follow mine and Shane's new photography company on twitter- www.twitter.com/studioCphotos and on facebook- www.facebook.com/studio.c.photos
I got a new professional camera so Im really starting to get into, or at least hoping to get into photography more. Anyone need photos? Im willing to try anything! Check the facebook page for rates and information. Im very cheap, contact me ;)
Without naming any "names", Im sure this will be pretty obvious who this is directed to, but I need to vent, and lately I havent felt strong enough to vent to an actual person. Maybe fear of what they'll tell me. I dont know. Sometimes I just would rather let it all out, without any harsh opinions on their part, without them judging me, etc. It's easier this way.
Numero-Uno venting session: How do you help someone without being bias? Its extremely hard in my case...Im trying my best to help this person but all I feel like Im telling them is what I personally want to happen....which in most cases isnt the case. Im trying to help them from the outside looking in, but when its something dealing with ME, its quite hard to give an opinion without them or anyone else for that matter thinking Im only being bias and only telling them ONE thing because I want that ONE thing to happen.....Which def is true, I do want that one thing to happen, BUT that doesnt mean that's what I am ultimately trying to do here. I know this is all confusing to those of you who have NO idea whats going on, so humor me...Im only venting, usually that, for me, means you probably won't understand unless its something dealing with you.
Numero-Two-o venting session: Deals actually with the 1st venting session, but Im going to give it it's own category.......Summer 2010 will be the death of me. Im already starting to feel it and unfortunatly it's hitting me way harder than I thought....and he hasn't even left yet. Im sure by now you're understanding who this is about huh? Oh well....so be it....again, Im just venting, don't hate. Let me put this into perspective for anyone caring to read this.......If any of you knew me a year ago or whenever, youd understand I was not a "happy" person. I was diagnosed with severe depression from some stuff that's happened to me in the past 15 years. I was to the point where I didn't want to live, I didn't want anything to do with anyone, I wasn't confident with myself, I wasn't happy with myself, I hated life, and I hated me. Now....fast forward to this past year. I have been the happiest I think Ive ever been in my ENTIRE life...yes folks, its weird, I know. Despite a few speed bumps, Ive never smiled like I have this past year, Ive never had continueous butterflies like I have this past year, Ive never felt loved like I have this past year, and Ive never been truely happy with life and where I was at...until this past year. Now....Im sure you know the reasoning behind this "new found happiness".....and if you do, put that in your mind....and think where you would be if it happened to you. Then, take it all away...for the entire summer. That, folks, is how I feel right now. Im happy..but I feel it'll all be gone soon enough because of him leaving. I know, Im sort of childish when it comes to this, and I know most of you, if not all of you, are going to just say "It'll be ok, he'll be back", "It's only 1 summer", "Nothing will change between you and him", blah blah blah.....the list goes on. But you're not in my shoes, and your not experienceing or feeling the feelings I have. Im hardcore emotionally stressed out because of this...........Id go into further detail but I dont want to let a lot of this out into the open, it's really personal for me right now. I just need "closure" I guess. I need to figure out what is going on so I can sleep at night, even if that means it'll hurt me. Granted, I wont be able to sleep at night if it does end up that way but still...you get the point. I wish I had the answers for this summer, and I wish I could figure everything out for him...and for me. I wish I could be a better shoulder for him, and I wish I knew which way for him to go so he'd be happy. I dont know what else to do at this point. When Im not keeping myself busy, all I do is think about it...and then I get in bummed out moods like this, and write stupid blogs in which no one cares to read. Im just really hurting on this situation, and have been for a couple weeks now. I dont know what to do, he doesn't know what to do....im confused, he's confused. Where does it end. How do you know the "right" thing to do in these situations. I wish I knew......
I seriously pray every night for a miracle to happen but for some reason I don't think itll happen :( and to be honest, that really does hurt. But I can do nothing but support him in whatever happens.....and of course that's what I will do. I just wish things were easier for us right now :/
Please go follow mine and Shane's new photography company on twitter- www.twitter.com/studioCphotos and on facebook- www.facebook.com/studio.c.photos
I got a new professional camera so Im really starting to get into, or at least hoping to get into photography more. Anyone need photos? Im willing to try anything! Check the facebook page for rates and information. Im very cheap, contact me ;)
Without naming any "names", Im sure this will be pretty obvious who this is directed to, but I need to vent, and lately I havent felt strong enough to vent to an actual person. Maybe fear of what they'll tell me. I dont know. Sometimes I just would rather let it all out, without any harsh opinions on their part, without them judging me, etc. It's easier this way.
Numero-Uno venting session: How do you help someone without being bias? Its extremely hard in my case...Im trying my best to help this person but all I feel like Im telling them is what I personally want to happen....which in most cases isnt the case. Im trying to help them from the outside looking in, but when its something dealing with ME, its quite hard to give an opinion without them or anyone else for that matter thinking Im only being bias and only telling them ONE thing because I want that ONE thing to happen.....Which def is true, I do want that one thing to happen, BUT that doesnt mean that's what I am ultimately trying to do here. I know this is all confusing to those of you who have NO idea whats going on, so humor me...Im only venting, usually that, for me, means you probably won't understand unless its something dealing with you.
Numero-Two-o venting session: Deals actually with the 1st venting session, but Im going to give it it's own category.......Summer 2010 will be the death of me. Im already starting to feel it and unfortunatly it's hitting me way harder than I thought....and he hasn't even left yet. Im sure by now you're understanding who this is about huh? Oh well....so be it....again, Im just venting, don't hate. Let me put this into perspective for anyone caring to read this.......If any of you knew me a year ago or whenever, youd understand I was not a "happy" person. I was diagnosed with severe depression from some stuff that's happened to me in the past 15 years. I was to the point where I didn't want to live, I didn't want anything to do with anyone, I wasn't confident with myself, I wasn't happy with myself, I hated life, and I hated me. Now....fast forward to this past year. I have been the happiest I think Ive ever been in my ENTIRE life...yes folks, its weird, I know. Despite a few speed bumps, Ive never smiled like I have this past year, Ive never had continueous butterflies like I have this past year, Ive never felt loved like I have this past year, and Ive never been truely happy with life and where I was at...until this past year. Now....Im sure you know the reasoning behind this "new found happiness".....and if you do, put that in your mind....and think where you would be if it happened to you. Then, take it all away...for the entire summer. That, folks, is how I feel right now. Im happy..but I feel it'll all be gone soon enough because of him leaving. I know, Im sort of childish when it comes to this, and I know most of you, if not all of you, are going to just say "It'll be ok, he'll be back", "It's only 1 summer", "Nothing will change between you and him", blah blah blah.....the list goes on. But you're not in my shoes, and your not experienceing or feeling the feelings I have. Im hardcore emotionally stressed out because of this...........Id go into further detail but I dont want to let a lot of this out into the open, it's really personal for me right now. I just need "closure" I guess. I need to figure out what is going on so I can sleep at night, even if that means it'll hurt me. Granted, I wont be able to sleep at night if it does end up that way but still...you get the point. I wish I had the answers for this summer, and I wish I could figure everything out for him...and for me. I wish I could be a better shoulder for him, and I wish I knew which way for him to go so he'd be happy. I dont know what else to do at this point. When Im not keeping myself busy, all I do is think about it...and then I get in bummed out moods like this, and write stupid blogs in which no one cares to read. Im just really hurting on this situation, and have been for a couple weeks now. I dont know what to do, he doesn't know what to do....im confused, he's confused. Where does it end. How do you know the "right" thing to do in these situations. I wish I knew......
I seriously pray every night for a miracle to happen but for some reason I don't think itll happen :( and to be honest, that really does hurt. But I can do nothing but support him in whatever happens.....and of course that's what I will do. I just wish things were easier for us right now :/
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
the new face of A.D.D. lmao....
PAUSE...READ THIS BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE!!!! Lol-----Despite what u read below this....I typed ALL this on my blackberry.... It started off on my computer but when the internet wouldn't work I had to use a last resort....------
K now u can read the rest-----
So I'm sitting here with my internet not working (yes I'm typing an entire blog in 'WordPad' before it hits bloggermcom lol!) I've decided I'm in the mood to type. Just like every other time I write a blog.. SO..nothing new there.
I don't really know what I should talk about this time though. I don't really have much to 'vent' about...well,just kidding, I do, but its not anything I really think I should be discussing in here right now. I've done pissed off too many people already ;) I think I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut ^__^
I also don't really have much for 'news' for you guys. I did tho get word today that I have another National Anthem gig so I guess that counts for something,right? RIGHT!!!
Currently my cat is spazzing out because its extremely nice outside and I opened my windows. My cat is and always has been an inside cat so for her to see/hear/feel fresh air is like armageden!!!LOL!!!! No joke....
And to top it, it all of a sudden got reallyyyyyyy windy so she's litterly hissing at the air coming at her.....my cats a moron,what can I say......would you expect anything less to be MY pet?! Didn't think so.....
In ther newsssssss.....started a new job today,thank GOD!! I need the moolah horribly. Actually,horribly is an understatement,my vocabulary just doesn't know any better word for it......
This blog is HIGHLY A.D.D. Isn't it?!!!
OOmiiGEEm...I saw baby kitties in the mall today!!! Like baby babies...tiny baby kitties!!!! And they were amazingly f'ing adorable!!!!! There were 5 and only one was awake and I kept moving my finger around the glass and hed chase it,like topple over all his bro's and sistas and piss them off....CLASSIC!! I recall actually laughing aloud in this situation...don't judge me...........the thought of sticking them all in my purse and running like hell crossed my mind....more than a few times I admit.....but then I realized I'd want all the kitties in there...and the puppies....and even the guinea pigs and rats that were in there for $5. So,in theory,my mediumn sized zebra purse just wasn't going to cut it...also,it wouldn't be so 'incognito'.....actually I just really like that word....IN-NCOG-NITO. Sorry...done.
Another random breaking news story for the day.....not only is it like 95 degrees today,its really windy out and some random piece of my car decided to be cool and melt off...wait,it gets better....driving down the road,it decided to FLY off...but only half way....awesome right?!! I thought so. So its not..well,was...laying in my lawn...I'm sure its hit Chi-town by now...or Tampa at least......it didn't leave me a note telling me where it was going.
1 more news story. I want to gauge my ears. I know, I'm weird. Wanna sue me? Get in line....... I don't want them them to be huge and gross,just something small and cute. End of story. Anddddddd I want another tattoo.....a couple "another tattoos" to be exact. I have a bunch in mind, but I'm litterly running out of room for them all!!!! AHH!!!
so another random side note......I really want to do a pinup girl shoot. Old flapper girl if you will but modernized. You know,with the sleeves of tattoos, old school corsets, painted looking photo....I REALLYYYYYYY want to do a shoot like that. Have for awhile. And I know this is going to sound HIGHLY egotistical of me (not my intention) but I want to do this shoot,take the best shot and make a huge canvas poster of it and hang it on my wall. That era of art is amazing to me and with how people 'modernize' their pinup girl photos now is absolutley stunning to me. I adore it. Its SO beautiful. SOOOO...my logic (hear me out) is this.....since I like it so much,how about I buy a big photo and hang it over my couch or something. Good logic right? Well better yet,since I want the photo AND want to do a shoot of my own anyways like thisNill just take my own photo and do it :) that way,in the process,people can be like wow that's a gorgeous photo and I can be like yep,its me! :)) ok, I sound too high on myself..don't hate me....I promise I'm not haha. . . . . . I just really wanna do that.
Hmmm....what else.....
My hair is no longer bright-ass-red unfortunatly :(( I know....sad day....I really miss it. But it faded really oober fast and bled a lot so I couldn't wear anything but black, which really isn't much of an issue,I'm not emo or anything,I do like black...BUT I also enjoy colors....and white...and red hair dye on white shirt doesn't so much mix. It wasn't workin for me. And waking up to a boyfriend who's shirt is all red after you were laying on his shoulder all night isn't very attractive lol! SO,now its back to dark brown...which I'm sure in time will end up getting dyed black again....my 'no dying hair streak' is definetly GONE!!!! Sorry,but its what I do. My goal is to keep growing my hair out and then dye it all black,lots of layers,and then put a bunch of hot pink pee-a-boos in the back and in the bangs...LOVVVEEEEEE IT!!!!!
One more random side note......no,nevermind,that's not important......
Alright I'm gunna go and TRY to upload this to blogger.com.....but since my internet doesn't work,I don't see how that's actually going to be possible.. :/...hmmmm.....question mark :/.......therefor you may or may not be reading this 5 days after it all actually happened. Welcome to the media world right?
Ok whatever.....haha! BYE!!
xoxo-M
OOOHHHH wait!!!! One more thing!!! DOOOOO NOTTTTTT LEAVEEEE YETTTTT!!!!!!!! I am in the process of shutting down my Myspace for good....long story short,its stupid and pointless. Now,if I could only remember the password for the email address I used for it wed be set.....anywhosers, those of u who had me on there,add me on facebook...or obviously twitter. I talk on both :))
Peace out yoda
www.twitter.com/meganbesler
www.modelmayhem.com/meganbesler
www.facebook.com/officialmeganbesler
K now u can read the rest-----
So I'm sitting here with my internet not working (yes I'm typing an entire blog in 'WordPad' before it hits bloggermcom lol!) I've decided I'm in the mood to type. Just like every other time I write a blog.. SO..nothing new there.
I don't really know what I should talk about this time though. I don't really have much to 'vent' about...well,just kidding, I do, but its not anything I really think I should be discussing in here right now. I've done pissed off too many people already ;) I think I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut ^__^
I also don't really have much for 'news' for you guys. I did tho get word today that I have another National Anthem gig so I guess that counts for something,right? RIGHT!!!
Currently my cat is spazzing out because its extremely nice outside and I opened my windows. My cat is and always has been an inside cat so for her to see/hear/feel fresh air is like armageden!!!LOL!!!! No joke....
And to top it, it all of a sudden got reallyyyyyyy windy so she's litterly hissing at the air coming at her.....my cats a moron,what can I say......would you expect anything less to be MY pet?! Didn't think so.....
In ther newsssssss.....started a new job today,thank GOD!! I need the moolah horribly. Actually,horribly is an understatement,my vocabulary just doesn't know any better word for it......
This blog is HIGHLY A.D.D. Isn't it?!!!
OOmiiGEEm...I saw baby kitties in the mall today!!! Like baby babies...tiny baby kitties!!!! And they were amazingly f'ing adorable!!!!! There were 5 and only one was awake and I kept moving my finger around the glass and hed chase it,like topple over all his bro's and sistas and piss them off....CLASSIC!! I recall actually laughing aloud in this situation...don't judge me...........the thought of sticking them all in my purse and running like hell crossed my mind....more than a few times I admit.....but then I realized I'd want all the kitties in there...and the puppies....and even the guinea pigs and rats that were in there for $5. So,in theory,my mediumn sized zebra purse just wasn't going to cut it...also,it wouldn't be so 'incognito'.....actually I just really like that word....IN-NCOG-NITO. Sorry...done.
Another random breaking news story for the day.....not only is it like 95 degrees today,its really windy out and some random piece of my car decided to be cool and melt off...wait,it gets better....driving down the road,it decided to FLY off...but only half way....awesome right?!! I thought so. So its not..well,was...laying in my lawn...I'm sure its hit Chi-town by now...or Tampa at least......it didn't leave me a note telling me where it was going.
1 more news story. I want to gauge my ears. I know, I'm weird. Wanna sue me? Get in line....... I don't want them them to be huge and gross,just something small and cute. End of story. Anddddddd I want another tattoo.....a couple "another tattoos" to be exact. I have a bunch in mind, but I'm litterly running out of room for them all!!!! AHH!!!
so another random side note......I really want to do a pinup girl shoot. Old flapper girl if you will but modernized. You know,with the sleeves of tattoos, old school corsets, painted looking photo....I REALLYYYYYYY want to do a shoot like that. Have for awhile. And I know this is going to sound HIGHLY egotistical of me (not my intention) but I want to do this shoot,take the best shot and make a huge canvas poster of it and hang it on my wall. That era of art is amazing to me and with how people 'modernize' their pinup girl photos now is absolutley stunning to me. I adore it. Its SO beautiful. SOOOO...my logic (hear me out) is this.....since I like it so much,how about I buy a big photo and hang it over my couch or something. Good logic right? Well better yet,since I want the photo AND want to do a shoot of my own anyways like thisNill just take my own photo and do it :) that way,in the process,people can be like wow that's a gorgeous photo and I can be like yep,its me! :)) ok, I sound too high on myself..don't hate me....I promise I'm not haha. . . . . . I just really wanna do that.
Hmmm....what else.....
My hair is no longer bright-ass-red unfortunatly :(( I know....sad day....I really miss it. But it faded really oober fast and bled a lot so I couldn't wear anything but black, which really isn't much of an issue,I'm not emo or anything,I do like black...BUT I also enjoy colors....and white...and red hair dye on white shirt doesn't so much mix. It wasn't workin for me. And waking up to a boyfriend who's shirt is all red after you were laying on his shoulder all night isn't very attractive lol! SO,now its back to dark brown...which I'm sure in time will end up getting dyed black again....my 'no dying hair streak' is definetly GONE!!!! Sorry,but its what I do. My goal is to keep growing my hair out and then dye it all black,lots of layers,and then put a bunch of hot pink pee-a-boos in the back and in the bangs...LOVVVEEEEEE IT!!!!!
One more random side note......no,nevermind,that's not important......
Alright I'm gunna go and TRY to upload this to blogger.com.....but since my internet doesn't work,I don't see how that's actually going to be possible.. :/...hmmmm.....question mark :/.......therefor you may or may not be reading this 5 days after it all actually happened. Welcome to the media world right?
Ok whatever.....haha! BYE!!
xoxo-M
OOOHHHH wait!!!! One more thing!!! DOOOOO NOTTTTTT LEAVEEEE YETTTTT!!!!!!!! I am in the process of shutting down my Myspace for good....long story short,its stupid and pointless. Now,if I could only remember the password for the email address I used for it wed be set.....anywhosers, those of u who had me on there,add me on facebook...or obviously twitter. I talk on both :))
Peace out yoda
www.twitter.com/meganbesler
www.modelmayhem.com/meganbesler
www.facebook.com/officialmeganbesler
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